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We're having a funeral here, not a play. [Nov. 20th, 2011|08:16 pm]
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[Current Music |of montreal]

Sunday always has this crepuscular feel to it that makes me feel like I'm witnessing a new ending--regardless of how good or bad the week may have been. When you do know that something won't last forever, you feel compelled to at least bite a sizable chunk out of whatever ephemeral hypothetical thing so that you won't forget it. I feel like I've let my weeks go by too easily without taking note of their flavor, consistency, and presentation. This is the end of yet another corny metaphor.

I really miss writing.

Not that I really feel that my life stories are blog-worthy most of the time, but I think one of the most interesting aspects of a story is not necessarily what the story is about but how it's told. Playing with this aspect and being able to look back at the headstones of weeks past is just priceless.

Anyway, my last post was right as I was leaving for Australia. This post is 3 weeks before I leave Australia to go back to the states. Up until this trip, I had never left North America before. Now that I've seen how easy it really is to start all over again, I want to become a nomad. I want to spend no longer than a year in different places and treasure the weekly twilight on a daily basis.

I want to punch Stephanie Meyer in the cunt for attaching the stigma of glittery vampires to such a beautiful word as "twilight".

I want to punch myself in the cunt for almost typing "stigmata" in place of "stigma" in the previous sentence.

I don't want to call it quits here.
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Full is not heavy as empty [Jun. 25th, 2011|07:58 pm]
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I wish I could change this stupid new livejournal layout to not be Facebook/internet 50.0.

I'm still alive. I'm reaching escape velocity. Where's a fashionable place to escape?

It's okay, that's rhetorical anyway.
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Vaginal prolapse [Apr. 29th, 2011|04:29 am]
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Things fall apart.

Things do not put themselves back together.

Am I a thing?

I wonder sometimes if the natural order is disorder. In order to really come to terms with the validity of that statement, I'd have to first pedantically define natural. I don't think I'll be doing any such thing at 12:37 am. Apparently I won't fall asleep either.

Chaos confuses order and fragments objects. Objects become new objects as a result of the loss. The object fragments fall into a pile forming another whole. Chaos re-orders.

I wonder how long this Jenga will last.
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Every day's a different warning [Jan. 13th, 2011|08:32 pm]
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[Current Music |lcd soundsystem]

New year. 25. What hasn't changed since I last updated? My sweet tooth.

On a less jesting note, a friend of mine recently informed me of a mutual friend's suicide. Apparently he had impregnated some girl who wasn't his girlfriend and decided that was all. Though I wasn't close to this person, and hadn't even talked to him in at least over a year and a half, I can't help but feel permeated by this abrupt punch in the vulva from life. What he killed himself over almost seems petty to me. To complicate matters even further, he was really smart (had a BS in biology by age 15) and seemed rational enough. It makes me wonder how much is too much and what my limits are.

Speaking of limits, on the very same day, I read some article about a guy who had found out that a kindergarten friend he had lost touch with had been killed by her mother not long after she moved away from him. Wanting to know the circumstances of her death, he posted an article summoning the e-ssistance of redditors to find out the details, and within minutes, someone had an article describing the murder-suicide. I guess that it was just another reminder of how the ephemeral life I (we) have. Seems like I have those every day with the near death driving experiences in Maryland, but I don't know, the feeling of dread is just lingering longer than usual.

I wanted to end there, but something feels incomplete--or not incomplete enough.

Do something tomorrow that that makes you feel alive.
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Ennui on me [Nov. 21st, 2010|01:23 am]
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An unrelievable sigh trapped in my throat
Instead of learn I continue to dote
As the yielding produce rots from rote
I take no heed in what it does connote
Whiffling through winter in a weathered coat
Withering in spring with pollen remote
Without the faintest clue of what to emote
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It must have started with that stick in the mud [May. 31st, 2010|10:20 pm]
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Just when I thought I had sanitized my facebook profile sufficiently enough to avoid outrage from family members, an aunt of mine sent me the following email a few hours ago:
"Dont like what i read on your page about Tony How can you judge someone "

Confused (since I hadn't really looked at my profile in forever), I scanned my facebook profile looking for something egregious I might have said about Tony. Finally, I understood what she was talking about when I read the following blob of text from my quote section:
"(12:50:35 AM) talk with tony: i don't understand lesbians
(12:50:40 AM) talk with tony: who doesn't want a penis"

So it's easy to just label this interaction as a misunderstanding since it's obvious my aunt hadn't:
a) Realized that this is an excerpt from an AIM conversation--not anything that I, myself, have said
b) Inferred the palpable sarcasm

After reading the quote a fifth time, I still fail to see a judgment being made. Putting aside the fact that (to my knowledge) no judgment was made, the self-righteous tone of her message bothers me. How can I judge someone? Well, it's quite natural. I look at someone, make an observation, and voila.

Why shouldn't one judge another? Because the bible tells you so? Because you might be wrong? I guess there never really is a universal answer. Either way, I believe that judgment is inevitable. Even if you limit your definition of "judge" to cater to the biblical sense (which I'm going to judge that my aunt is doing) in which one adjudicates that someone is wrong, immoral, or the loch ness monster, you'll never be able to stop yourself from differentiating a person from one of those three things, and in the process of making that differentiation, you are judging.

Biblically, I can understand not judging since apparently god is the only one who has judge permissions on the file system of earth. Secularly, the only virtue in not judging others that I can discern is avoiding error. To mitigate this error, I make flexible judgments.

Thus, I sleep perfectly at night after a day full of judging, and life goes on. What really keeps me staring at the ceiling or tossing and turning is the fact that it's 2010 and people still believe in fairy tales. Sure, this has nothing to do with having a moral code in which one considers it wrong to judge people, but I don't believe that fairy tales and morals stray too far apart since every fairy tale has a moral.
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Stick that in your crotch [Apr. 17th, 2010|11:35 pm]
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[Current Music |farscape]

I've been back from California for two days now, and I think I'm finally at least done digesting that (though I can't say the same for the copious amounts of food that remain to be digested from the potluck I went to today). Things accomplished in California:
* I walked halfway across the golden gate bridge
* I peed on El Capitan when we were hiking in Yosimite
* I had two milkshakes in 12 minutes at the Ghirardeli factory
* I touched a starfish at the aquarium in Montrey
* I inhaled a huge gulp of LA smog

I also had flight delay #4--which makes my flight delay success rate 100%. Why can't flights just go as planned? I guess this delay at least forced me to finish Dune Messiah, which I really enjoyed. I really just wish I could just give up reliance on airplanes and evolve the ability to teleport, which would also save me on car insurance something that even Geico couldn't approach. Oh well, maybe I'll just give up on airplanes and cars and walk everywhere like Jesus. He sure got around.

I'm 24, and I still wonder what I'm going to do with my life. I wonder if I'll ever settle on something. I also wonder if settling is death.
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And so the rent became whiskey [Mar. 29th, 2010|01:14 pm]
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The terrain of my livejournal is looking more and more like Mars. I guess I'll exhale some carbon dioxide into the fray in an attempt to feed a few plants.

The show has gone on, as it must. I'm nearing a year of living in Maryland, and I have more than what I came with, which I guess is good and bad. I'm going to California in two weeks, and Canada in July, so I'm finally getting around to #3 on my list of things to do before I die. I watched Pi last night and really enjoyed it. I still haven't bought a guitar. My brain still seems to think the random insignificant things are more worth committing to memory than the names or formulas.

I mostly just want it to be summer again so that I can block multiple shots of UV rays for the poor sand.

Then I want it to be fall so that I can walk in the tree graveyard smelling the redolent melange of the earthy mud and lofty leaves.

Loop.
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Am I really facebook friends with THIS? [Jan. 30th, 2010|12:34 pm]
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XXXX XXXXX: When Reagan was President, we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now that Obama is President, we have no Hope and no Cash...Copy and paste to your status and keep it going!!
*9 hours ago · Comment · Like
*5 people like this.
YYYY YYYYYYYY: When Reagan was president We had an old ass guy in office, With Obama as president, we have all the Extremest Republican Pollacks pissed off. . . lmao
*8 hours ago
ZZZZ ZZZZZZ: obama............. what can I say...... some people just lack intelligence, just like those who ever voted for him...... at least Reagan was a real man and a real American, something which cannot not be said for the socialist obama
*4 hours ago

It seems as if the lobotomies have already been done--very nice misuse of the ellipsis by the way.
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Let them say our love is peculiar [Dec. 21st, 2009|05:20 pm]
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If fall is the season of death and spring is the season of rebirth, what does that make winter?

I've come up with two possibilities, and of course the meaning of the seasons is probably more of a subjective thing than an absolute thing, but I just can't stomach anymore nihilism when I always feel something. Either way, those two possibilities are:
1) Gestation period
2) Mourning

With that said, I'm going to make it my objective to make this a pregnant winter (in lieu of mourning myself). I'm also going to make it my objective to write more and live more.

Mourning sickness shall not hold me back.
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Get on the airplane, you give me stomach pain [Nov. 24th, 2009|09:18 pm]
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I just read a headline that said, "Women think about their body 252 times a week". What does this even mean?

All that you really have in this world is your body and your memories, so it's only logical that a person want to preserve these two things. As a result, I don't think that worrying about your body is a bad thing. Perhaps it's a waste of time when one concerns themselves about their body in the excess, but who is really to say what excess is? If worrying 5000 times a week about your body is what it takes to get you to do whatever you have to do to make sure it doesn't fall apart, then you're doing a good job in my book (as meaningless as that is).

I'm really annoyed by the way the writer of this article presents their information the way they do--without even bothering to mention how often men, squirrels, and lochness monsters think about their bodies, but I guess that's the eternal flame of bias in media keeping me on my toes.

What do y'all think about vanity?
A) Waste of time
B) Virtue
C) Magazine
D) other
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(no subject) [Nov. 19th, 2009|02:07 am]
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Defeat.

I feel so disconnected. I need to connect to more stable nodes.

I miss you all.
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Sometimes I wonder if you're mythologizing me like I do you [Aug. 2nd, 2009|01:46 pm]
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So I was soaking up the internets, checking out facebook statuses, when I came across this message that one of my relatives posted on someone else's wall: "Oh please believe....my children are up eating breakfast and we WILL make it to church and we wont be late as you are and we wont be sitting in the back of the church as you do. Be a good Christian and get there on time as you would want GOD to be on time for your judgement day." Does she not know that the only thing we have to fear on "Judgement Day" is SKYNET?
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(no subject) [Jun. 1st, 2009|09:17 pm]
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When you take pictures like this, do you ever actually go into the distance that the picture captures? Do you roll in the grass, smell the flowers, lick the salty rocks, or do you walk away content with stealing the still of the previous moment?

It's sad to think of how your memory of the senses you experience during the past withers and rusts.

I want a mechanical flower now.
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they never get uptight when a moth gets crushed [May. 11th, 2009|02:19 am]
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I just blinked, and somehow, it's five years later.

2004-2005Collapse )

2005-2006Collapse )

2006-2007Collapse )

2007-2008Collapse )

2008-2009Collapse )
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Build your church on the strength of your fear [Apr. 21st, 2009|12:24 pm]
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[Current Music |slint]

So I was taking a facebook break from homework when I saw this update: "XXXXX XXXXXXXX is hyped that Jesus dominated Mrs. XXXXX's cancer & she's all healed up! :-D". I almost vomitted.

I like the guy who put up this status, and he seems reasonably intelligent, but I don't see how he could attribute such "phenomena" as the remission of cancer to Jesus. What do y'all think?

Is god active the the world today? Is the devil responsible for every bad thing we do?

My thoughtsCollapse )
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(no subject) [Apr. 19th, 2009|05:04 am]
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Why do we as humans want to be wanted?

I guess that's about as trivial a question as why do we want. I just feel like they are two different things in this foggy scope.
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(no subject) [Mar. 27th, 2009|09:31 am]
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ca⋅reer
–noun
1. an occupation or profession, esp. one requiring special training, followed as one's lifework: He sought a career as a lawyer.

Sometimes I wonder if this is something that is really worth working toward, given our fragile environment. It seems that so much emphasis is put on success that failure is the thing that we continue to work against and have nightmares about. After a night of tossing and turning, I'm not so afraid of failure anymore, though that's not to say that there aren't traces of the fear left. In the scope of life, failure is insignificant most of the time, and when it is significant, it provides a thoroughly enriching learning experience.

I know I haven't failed yet, but I'm not quite sure what I have to do to succeed.

Guess that means I'm going to class instead of going on an excursion to South Dakota just to see if it really exists. I wonder if South Dakota has tacos. I wonder why I'm not having a taco right now just for the gustatory orgasm.
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(no subject) [Mar. 5th, 2009|11:16 am]
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So I was reading an article about Igor Panarin's prediction that the US would collapse in the next year--for the most part feeling indifferent, until I got to the end where someone was quoted as saying, "I can't imagine at all how the United States could ever fall apart..." Do you think the United States will ever fall apart? If so, what do you think will be the last straw?


I believe that all things come to an end though. I'm also beginning to become more doubtful that we as humans separated by continents, languages, and cultures will ever come to a middle ground. As of now, if the US goes down, pretty much everyone else is going down, so I don't think that such an economic collapse will be the last straw. If there is a last straw, I believe it will stem from either nuclear winter or a robot insurrection.
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Cereal and Water [Mar. 2nd, 2009|09:40 am]
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Climbing sun, yawning dawn, chilling still
the clock clicks and winks a seven segment six
I climb from my corner, yawn, and pause still
Still as your vacant side of the bed

Dejected, I retire to the kitchen from the den
Bowl, spoon, and honey oats that are ready to float
I open the door, but you're not there
At the subfusc sink I stare

My stomach turns for the low I'm to learn
But starve I cannot--must move before I rot
I fill the empty with a translucent surrogate
And lap a spoonful with cool complacency
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(no subject) [Feb. 21st, 2009|09:51 pm]
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Smiling is so much easier when I'm intoxicated.
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